How do I get from here to there? I am stuck somewhere in between. I have worked full time and overtime in several arenas. Full time mom,wife, student, librarian, archivist, financial aid clerk, teacher's assistant, nurse assistant, caterer, vendor, waitress, and concessions. Now, my kids are grown and my health has forced me to leave my career.
A part of me is happy. I have a loving husband, family, and friends who think my health is more important than my job. My coworkers and students have remained in my life and are concerned for my well being. That hasn't always been the case. God knows, my ex cared about nothing but my paycheck....still does. Hmph, one sentence is more than enough about him.
But, how do I go from working full time to not? From raising kids to them leaving the nest? From doing whatever life needed me to do to having no direction at all? A part of me thinks I should file disability and bring some money in. But, a part of me isn't ready to do that. I don't want to be useless. I know a lot. I don't mean that to be arrogant but it doesn't seem like all my experiences and knowledge should account for nothing just cause my body isn't cooperating.
I am not elderly nor a baby. At my age, the world wants me to work. And what I have is a nerve condition so it isn't something that reacts the same everyday or that people can see. The doctor said it was degenerative nerve disorder or early stages of Multiple Sclerosis. Yeah, MS is the one that Montel Williams has. The guy looks fit, doesn't he? Me too.
Unfortunately, my neurologist died. How's that for bad luck? Right in the middle of the time I feel the worst, feel so bad I have to leave a career I went to college for and did for over a decade, the one physician who could help me the most dies. And all those horrid tests I went through, they aren't all there. And this award winning physician's office is being run under a new doctor who is so young and inexperienced, she doesn't have a clue. So, now I have to meet a new doctor, be poked and studied like a lab rat all over again to get any kind of care.
Stuck with no doctor to help me and looking healthy on the outside but feeling dreadful. Family and friends assuring me only my health matters but feeling low cause I don't want to be useless. Coping with the transition of a world of things to do before and nothing now. But, I don't want to adjust to that. I want to get back to good.
How do I do that? Do I eat rolaids and talk to a shrink? Maybe a barbecue with the neighbors will lift my spirits and give me some ideas? Do I have a beer and appetizers while I talk it over at the bar with friends and strangers? Do I eat a brownie and have a cup of joe with my family and friends? I don't know what to do but I could use a bite to eat and someone to talk with while I figure it out.
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